the truth is always better
Moderators: Pike Ridge Beagles, Aaron Bartlett
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stanimals2
- Posts: 225
- Joined: Sun Jan 05, 2003 7:17 pm
- Location: Carroll Ohio
the truth is always better
TC was working hard at the office when his co workers ask him if he was going to stop for drinks after work. Since he had stopped every night that week and remembering his wifes last words as he left that morning " If you dont come straight home it over" he says no. But on the way home he has a moment of weekness and finds him self at the bar with his buddies. Out of the corner of his eye he see,s a beutiful young woman checking him out and before you know it they are hitting it off. next thing he knows its 3 am and he knows he,s in deep sh#@ Driving home he decides the best thing to do is just come clean, he,s a nervous wreck and sweating so much he cant even hold on to the wheel it gets so bad he pulls over gets the resin bag out of his bowling eq. and powders his hands. As he walks through the door he is met by his wife demanding to know where he has been. He swallows hard and says, "I stopped after work and got drunk , met a beutiful young lady and took her to a motel, I am sorry" She take one look and see,s the resin on his hands and says " You lieing SOB youve been bowling again!! LOL
Just had to use me!!! didnt ya Stanimals!!! 
Stanimals finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life - at least for a while. A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost instantly. Stanimals found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to four-star hotels, Stanimals had no idea what to do. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life, and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship. One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him. In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."
"It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up; nothing did."
He was confused, "Then how did you get the rowboat?"
"Oh, simple," replied the woman. "I made it out of raw material that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum-tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a eucalyptus tree."
"But, but, that's impossible," stuttered Stanimals. "You had no tools or hardware -- how did you manage?"
"Oh, that was no problem," the woman said.
"On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of exposed alluvial rock. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But enough of that. Where do you live?"
Sheepishly, Stanimals confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time. "Well, let's row over to my place, then," she said. After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As Stan looked onto shore, he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, Stan could only stare ahead, dumbstruck.
As they walked into the house, she said casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please; would you like to have a drink?"
"No, no, thank you," he said, still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut milk."
"It's not coconut milk," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a pina colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, Stan accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."
No longer questioning anything, Stanimals went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow-ground edge were fastened to its tip, inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused. "What next?"
When he returned, the woman greeted him wearing nothing but vines - strategically positioned - and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she began suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months?
You know...." She stared into his eyes.
He couldn't believe what he was hearing: "You mean...," he replied, "I can check my E-mail from here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."
"It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up; nothing did."
He was confused, "Then how did you get the rowboat?"
"Oh, simple," replied the woman. "I made it out of raw material that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum-tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a eucalyptus tree."
"But, but, that's impossible," stuttered Stanimals. "You had no tools or hardware -- how did you manage?"
"Oh, that was no problem," the woman said.
"On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of exposed alluvial rock. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But enough of that. Where do you live?"
Sheepishly, Stanimals confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time. "Well, let's row over to my place, then," she said. After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As Stan looked onto shore, he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, Stan could only stare ahead, dumbstruck.
As they walked into the house, she said casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please; would you like to have a drink?"
"No, no, thank you," he said, still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut milk."
"It's not coconut milk," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a pina colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, Stan accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."
No longer questioning anything, Stanimals went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow-ground edge were fastened to its tip, inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused. "What next?"
When he returned, the woman greeted him wearing nothing but vines - strategically positioned - and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she began suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months?
You know...." She stared into his eyes.
He couldn't believe what he was hearing: "You mean...," he replied, "I can check my E-mail from here?"
From Field to Show and Show to Field the way it should be
A group of buddies went deer hunting and decided to pair off in two's for the day hunt. That evening one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of a 10-point buck. "Where's Stanimals?" the other hunters asked. Stans hunting partner, Bev, replied, "Stan had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail." The other hunters gasped and one guy asked, "You left Stanimals laying out there and carried the deer back?" "It was a tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured that nobody would steal Stan
From Field to Show and Show to Field the way it should be
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stanimals2
- Posts: 225
- Joined: Sun Jan 05, 2003 7:17 pm
- Location: Carroll Ohio
Thats my story and to this day I,m stickin to it-
Beagles_BlueticksJM
- Posts: 39
- Joined: Mon Jan 26, 2004 9:45 pm
- Location: Wisconsin, Ladysmith
- Contact:
TC walked into a beer joint in Lexington Kentucky and ordered a beer.
Just then former President Clinton appeared on the television in a John
Kerry ad. After a few sips, TC looked up at the television and
mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen."
A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and
decked him.
A few minutes later, as TC was finishing his beer, Hillary Clinton
appeared on the television in a promo for Kerry. "She's a horse's ass,
too," he muttered. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly
stood up, walked over to him and knocked him flat.
The man said, climbing back up to the bar, "Huh, this must be Clinton
country!"
"Nope," the bartender replied, "horse country"
Just then former President Clinton appeared on the television in a John
Kerry ad. After a few sips, TC looked up at the television and
mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen."
A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and
decked him.
A few minutes later, as TC was finishing his beer, Hillary Clinton
appeared on the television in a promo for Kerry. "She's a horse's ass,
too," he muttered. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly
stood up, walked over to him and knocked him flat.
The man said, climbing back up to the bar, "Huh, this must be Clinton
country!"
"Nope," the bartender replied, "horse country"