Rules of the South

Ted Peercy · Post by **Ted Peercy** » Thu Oct 02, 2003 5:39 pm

Subject: Rules of the South

If you are going to live, or visit in the South, you need to know the rules. In an effort to help outsiders understand the rules of the Southerner's mind, the following list will be handed to each person as he/she enters a Southern State.

1. That slope-shouldered farm boy did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.

2. It's called a "gravel road." No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator. Drive it or get it out of the way.

3. The red dirt -- it's called clay. Red clay. If you like the color, don't wash your car for a couple weeks -- it'll be permanent. The big lumps of it -- they're called "clods."

4. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.

5. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you whipped -- by our women.

6. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish for -- bait.

7. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot. (REALLY!!!)

8. Men, if you want to wear earrings, pierce your nose and whatever, and wear your hair long, go right ahead, but if we call you ma'am, don't be offended.

9. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might want to ensure it's not up to your ear at the time.

10. That's right, whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport for one drink.

11. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

12. Tea - yeah, we have tea. It comes in a glass over ice and is sweet. You want it hot -- sit it in the sun. You want it unsweetened -add a lot of water.

13. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.

14. So you have a sixty thousand-dollar car. We're real impressed. We have a quarter of a million-dollar combine that we only use two weeks a year.

15. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

16. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks " because they want to". So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.

17. We eat dinner together with our families, we pray before we eat (yeah, even breakfast), we go to church on Wednesdays and Sundays, we goto high school football games on Friday nights, we still address ourseniors with "yes, sir" and "yes, ma'am," and we sometimes still take Sunday drives around town to see friends and neighbors.

18. We don't do "hurry up" well.

19. Greens - yeah, we have greens, but you don't putt on them. You boil them with either salty fatback, bacon or a ham hock.

20. Yeah, we eat catfish, bass, bream and carp. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.

21. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstate 20 goes two ways - Interstate 55 goes the other two. Pick one.

22. Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and maybe even some pepper on and if you want to put milk and sugar on them? Then you want cream of wheat -- go to Kansas. That would be I-40 West.

23. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season or dove season. Both are holidays. You can get pancakes, cane syrup, and sausage before daylight at the church on either day.

24. So every person in every pickup waves? Yeah, it's called being friendly. Understand the concept?

25. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish and bothers the gators -- and if you hit it in the rough, we have these things called diamond backs, and they're not baseball players.

26. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot -- his name is "Sir," no matter how young he is.

27. We have lots of pine trees. They have sap. It drips from them. You park your Navigator under them, and they'll leave a logo on your hood.

28. You burn an American flag in our state, you get beat up. No questions. The conservative contingent of our state legislature -- all four of them -- enacted a measure to stop this. There is now a $2.50 fine for beating up the flag burner.

Now, enjoy your visit

AlabamaSwamper · Post by **AlabamaSwamper** » Thu Oct 02, 2003 6:38 pm

I like the last one. Only thing is, I'm not sure getting beat up will be the punishment.

Anyway, I hate I-20. It goes through Tuscaloosa and we all know what is there. If you don't, the don't drive down I-20, stay on the other end.

LOL That was good Ted. Now take your advice next time you visit The Heart of Dixie or else.

YGD (BUNNYBUSTER) · Post by **YGD (BUNNYBUSTER)** » Thu Oct 02, 2003 8:55 pm

WOW, PANCAKES, CANE SYRUP & SAUSAGE. THAT'S WORTH DRIVING THOSE GRAVEL ROADS TO GET THERE. I ALSO NOTICED A LOT OF GOOD ADVICE, LOOKS LIKE WE STILL HAVE SOME REAL MEN IN THIS OLD WORLD. ( and some southern belles )
BUNNY BUSTER

LR Patch · Post by **LR Patch** » Fri Oct 03, 2003 7:14 am

Ted,I like it spoken like a true Tennesseean.It's all good in the South!!

Rosewood · Post by **Rosewood** » Fri Oct 03, 2003 11:45 am

My daddy always told me that Yankees are kinda like hemeroids.

If they come down and go back up they don't cause any problems
When they come down and stay Thats when they cause problelms.

Valpoguy · Post by **Valpoguy** » Fri Oct 03, 2003 4:59 pm

People down south are kinda neat, - they will buy absolutely anything if you paint a 3 or an 8 on it! The civil war has been over a long time, the north won , the south lost. Get over it.

AlabamaSwamper · Post by **AlabamaSwamper** » Fri Oct 03, 2003 6:54 pm

War over??????? If that's what you think. LOL!!!!!!!!!

We love our racing for sure and hunting even more. Most folks around here love their Crimson Tide football but I'm a Volunteer myself. Some guy in Pinson, Al (hope it wasn't Alabama John) tried to shoot his son saturday because he was upset over Alabama losing. That wasn't the main reason but him being mad led to that drastic of a solution in his opinion. Luckily he missed but that goes to show how they love it. Bama fans are just plane white trash with no morals. LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WOnder if Ted, Bowhunter or bunnyseeker will answer that one. LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ted Peercy · Post by **Ted Peercy** » Fri Oct 03, 2003 7:53 pm

HOW can you laugh it off when it's all you are?

AlabamaSwamper · Post by **AlabamaSwamper** » Fri Oct 03, 2003 8:30 pm

LOL, I thought that would get your attention Ted. Now go call Bowhunter so he can get on me about that one. LOL

Alabama John · Post by **Alabama John** » Fri Oct 03, 2003 9:37 pm

Alswamper, he got mad because Alabama lost, but what really ticked him off was his son of all things married a girl from Auburn (strike one) who said something smart about Alabama football (strike two). Son took no action against her (strike three).

A man can only take so much, and in his own house too!

It was not me, but, a cousin.

AlabamaSwamper · Post by **AlabamaSwamper** » Fri Oct 03, 2003 9:50 pm

LOL

I heard the son was really worthless and wouldn't work and wanted his dad to buy a car but that is no reason to shoot at him.

LOL

Alabama John · Post by **Alabama John** » Fri Oct 03, 2003 11:22 pm

Come on Swamper, have compassion, sometimes it 's hard to express how you really feel with words!

bowhunter59 · Post by **bowhunter59** » Sat Oct 04, 2003 12:37 am

watch it al!!!!!!!!!i hope we dont get a gun after ya we mihgt not miss i been known to be a good shot!ala is on the rise they will be ok by next yr look out!

AlabamaSwamper · Post by **AlabamaSwamper** » Sat Oct 04, 2003 4:16 pm

Yeah, it really looks like right now as I type!!!!

snowshoehareguide · Post by **snowshoehareguide** » Sun Oct 05, 2003 5:02 am

hey ted ive seen this same rules of the south before ... long time ago.. it was about VT ..just a few words changed.. .. all except the grits part.. i say no north and south.. just country and city.. theres lots of fine people in the south like alabama john.. then on the other hand you got swamper.... no place is perfect... pete

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