Odds and ends

[Emery]

The Old man

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still think fast.


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GRANDMA IN COURT

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question... if


they aren't prepared for the answer.
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In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his
first witness to the stand. She was a grand-motherly, elderly woman.
He approached her and asked, ' Mrs. Jones , do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams . I've known you
since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk
about them behind their backs.
You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you
never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.
Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed
across the room and asked, Mrs. Jones , do you know the defense attorney?'

Again she replied, 'Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.
He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law
practice is one of the worst in the entire state.
Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women.
One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.' The defense attorney
almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench.
In a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she
knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair!'