Something to keep you busy for a while

[Emery]

Buying Flowers…

A man walks into a flower shop. "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, sir. What did you have in mind?" asked the clerk.
He shrugs, "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh….."
"Perhaps I could help" said the clerk. "What exactly have you done?"



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The Hunter…

Have you heard about the poor hunter whose wife and mother-in-law insisted he take them on a hunting trip? Well he finally gave in. One evening, after yet another uneventful hunt, he called it a day and started towards the camp, intending to collect the women from their stands on the way back. As his wife was climbing down from her stand, they heard his mother-in-law screaming. Rushing towards the sound, they rounded a clearing and came upon a chilling sight: his mother-in-law was backed up against a tree and a large bear stood facing her.
"Darling," the wife cried, "what are we going to do?"
"Be still..." said the husband. "That bear got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it!"



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Truths About Growing Old…



1) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
2) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

3) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
4) It’s frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
5) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
6) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.



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The Hereafter...

The preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter. I told him, "Oh I do it all the time. No matter where I am, in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I ask myself, "Now, what am I here after?"



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A Look in the Mirror...

Age 8: Looks in the mirror and sees Cinderella or Sleeping Beauty.


Age 15: Isn't happy with anything she sees in the mirror. ("Mom, I can't go to school looking like THIS!")


Age 20: Sees herself as too fat / too thin / too tall / too short / hair's too straight / hair's too curly, but decides she's going out anyway.


Age 30: Sees the same thing, but fixes what she can, and goes out anyway.


Age 40: Sees the same thing, but says "I've had my shower / bath and at least I look clean" and goes out anyway.


Age 50: Looks in the mirror and says, "It is what it is," and goes out anyway.


Age 60: Looks in the mirror and still isn't happy, but reminds herself she's still able to look in the mirror and goes out. Conquers the world!


Age 70: Looks in the mirror and sees wisdom, laughter, and ability, and then goes out and enjoys life.


Age 80: Doesn't bother to look. Puts on her purple hat, orange blouse and yellow slacks, and goes out to just have fun.


Age 90: Looks in the mirror and remembers the girl who saw Cinderella or Sleeping Beauty and decides she got it right the first time.



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Why Men are Never Depressed…


Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Think about it… Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5,000 vs. tux rental $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are way more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years -- maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. Geeze, no wonder men are happier.



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The Japanese Banking Crisis...

The Origami Bank has folded; the Sumo Bank has gone belly up; and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back on some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and going for a song. Meanwhile shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and the 500-person back office staff at Karate Bank have gotten the chop. Analysts report something fishy going on at Sashimi Bank and the staff there feel they may get a raw deal.



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Old Fashioned Love...

One day at a family reunion, the grandparents were reminiscing.

The grandfather remarked, "I wonder what ever happened to the old-fashioned girls who fainted when a man kissed them."

The Grandmother gave him a withering look, "What I'd like to know," she said, "is what happened to the old-fashioned men who made them faint!"



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Dress Up...

You admit having broken into the dress shop four times?" asked the judge.
"Yes," answered the suspect.
"And what did you steal?"
"A dress, Your Honor," replied the accused.
"ONE dress?" echoed the judge. "But you admit breaking in four times!"
"Yes, your Honor," sighed the suspect. "But three times my wife didn't like the color."



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Random Thoughts...

An optimist is a person who expects the ketchup to come out in 3 shakes.

Tact is the ability to close your mouth before someone else wants you to.

Life is too short to stuff cherry tomatoes.

Sometimes an unanswered prayer is a blessing.

If you would like your house to be clean, invite someone over to dinner.

It must have taken a lot of courage to discover that frog legs are edible.

Just about the time you make ends meet, someone moves the end.

If you want to see a cup runneth over, let a child pour his own soda.

The best sellers in many bookstores are cookbooks and diet books.

One tells you how to prepare the food, the other tells you how not to eat.

Man cannot live by bread alone ~ he needs peanut butter and jelly to go with it.

There are two theories to arguing with women -- neither ones works.



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Kid's Say...



Two and a half year old, Brody yelled out to his father from the bathroom, "Daddy, come help me pull up my pants."
Dad asked, "Did you go potty?"

Brody yelled back, "Just pee."

"Why didn't you go potty?" his dad asked upon entering the bathroom.

Brody turned around, pointed to his rear and said, "Because it's empty."



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Hotel Mishap...

A young man checked into a hotel for a few hours of pleasure with a girl from the office. The young man turned on the bath. Occupied with a romantic interlude, he neglected to turn off the water in time, and a flood ensued. From the room below, a man yelled up, "You dumb so and so! Turn off the @#$% water!"
The young man called out, "What kind of language is that? I happen to have a young lady up here in my room!"
The man from below answered, "What do you think I have down here, a duck!?"