More tidbits

[Emery]

Be Careful What You Ask...



A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A bright spark shouted, "Cause your feet ain’t empty."



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Over the Fence...



One woman was talking to her friend, "You should listen to my neighbor," she says. "She is always bad-mouthing her poor husband behind his back. I think that's so rude. Look at me! My husband is fat, lazy and cheap; but have you ever heard me say a bad word about him?!"



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The Elderly...



October 1st was International Day for the Elderly. Established by the United Nations in 1990, it’s supposed be a day to honor, respect, and care for the world's senior citizens, although a bit of that the rest of the year might not be a bad idea either. Now that I'm a card-carrying member of the AARP, that seems like a swell idea. Oh wait, am I carrying that card? Where did it go? Honey? What color is the AARP card? Have you seen my glasses? Anyway, here are some one liners by/and about the elderly …



*Meandering to a different drummer.
*My life's really not so awful--it just seems that way when I'm awake.
*Never trust a person who isn't having at least one crisis.
*Not all my friends are annoying. Some are dead.
*Sometimes the only solution is to find a new problem.
*The 60's -- a cool decade, but a lousy age.
*The face is familiar but I can't quite remember my name.
*The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
*The meek are getting ready.
*The more you complain, the longer you live.
*This is a nightmare and I'm going to wake up, right?
*This would be really funny if it weren't happening to me.
*Two wrongs are only the beginning.
*Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my youth.
*What a long, strange trip it's been.
*When they start telling you you're too old to cut~the~mustard anymore, just reply Poup on you!



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That's Amazing!

When Mary was pregnant, her five year old, Billy, was utterly amazed and a little bit disbelieving that his sister was growing in his mom's tummy. So one day when the baby was especially active, she asked Billy to place his tiny hands on her tummy to feel the baby kick. But when he did, the baby was suddenly still.
"Oh, Billy, she must have decided to take a nap," shrugged his mother.
"A nap?" Billy marveled. "You mean there's a bed in there too?”



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Book Titles You May Have Missed...



I Want to Help
By Abel N. Willin

Genie in a Bottle
By Grant Wishes

Fifty Yards to the Outhouse
By Willy Makit and Betty Woant

He Made It!
By Sadie Wood

Skunks in the Shrubbery
By P. Yew

Mensa Woman
By Gene Yuss

Tear Up Those Betting Slips
By Lou Zerr

The German Bank Robbery
By Hans Zupp



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Sunday School...



One day in Sunday school, I taught about Gideon. The following Sunday, for the sake of review, I asked who remembered last week's Bible hero. No hands went up.

"Okay," I said. "I'll give you a clue: he fought a battle using only lamps, pitchers, and trumpets."

Still no response.

"Maybe you remember how he used a fleece to learn God's will," I said.

Ten little blank faces stared at me.

"One final clue," I pleaded. "There are people today with the same name as our hero, who go around hotels putting Bibles in the rooms."

Finally an eager 8-year-old boy shot up his hand and said, "Oh! Oh! It was Hilton!"



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Why Snail Mail is Better Than email...



1. SNAIL MAIL can be SHREDDED quickly.
2. The sender is forced to spend MONEY on the sending process.
3. Postal glue tastes pretty good.
4. SNAIL MAIL always calls me "Mr."
5. I only need to check my mailbox once a day.
6. Never having to skip over the ">>>>>" characters.
7. An aspirin will take care of most paper cuts.
8. There're no hyperlinks in SNAIL MAIL.
9. Never having to scroll past 23,000 addresses of folks who received the same boring message that begins with: "This really makes you MONEY!"
10. SNAIL MAIL makes great kindling.



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Going Blind...

A man walks into his son's room and says to him, "Dave, if you keep doing that, it will make you go blind!"

His son relies, "I'm over here at the computer Dad; you're talking to the mop."



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Men...

"I've heard that dogs are man's best friend. That explains where men are getting their hygiene tips." --Kelly Maguire

You can talk to my husband about any subject. He doesn't understand, but you can talk to him.

I left my husband because my doctor told me I can no longer touch anything alcoholic.



If you think he's listening to you, you're wrong he's trying to convert what you just said into something with a sexual connotation.

Men are like roller coasters: when it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't you can't wait to throw up.



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Grammar Lesson...



"An abstract noun," the teacher said, "is something you can think of, but you can't touch it. Can you give me an example of one?"
"Sure," a teenage boy replied. "My father's new car."



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This and That...



I don't worry about the energy crisis as long as I have electricity in my hair and gas in my stomach.

Show me a good loser.... and I'll show you a fellow playing golf with his boss.

My brother is so vain! He joined the Navy so the world could see him!

My husband is so thin, when he wears a red necktie he looks like a thermometer.

Last night I saw a movie with a happy ending ... everybody was glad it was over.



I told my wife she'd have to make my paycheck go further ... so she took it to Hawaii.