Only my husband......ok you may do the same

[Nurse Laura]

Only at my house....
This is Chris' recollection of the events following a small shopping trip:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. He was shopping for a little something for Christmas for my wife. What he came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to my wife what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my dog Miles looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Miles (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. He is such a sweet dog. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:
A one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

A two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

A three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries..
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Miles looking on with his head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner , then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the foetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
One note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
• The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
• My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
• My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
• I had no control over the drooling.
• Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
• I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My loving wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

Hope everyone has enjoyed this as much as I have...

[Mapel Valley Kennels LLC.]

I think i just Pissed myself. Ur a Nut Chris i will keep a eye open for gonangs if they somehow end up in eastern kentucky

[poteetkennels]

Good stuff, made my day. If only there was video.

[Murphy's Kennel]

Thats what was flying across the sky on fire in Albany Ky this weekend... I was wondering what that was....... Now thats funny right there .

[HAREHOUND]

that was a good one. now i can't get that picture out of my head of chris flopping around on the floor with crap in his pants lol.

[Pete Tuck]

OMG!! I have tears running down my face from laughing so hard. I have fellow teachers stopping by my office to see what I am horse laughing about all by myself in my office. Great one.

[Lee Cockman]

I would have never told it. Now that is funny right there!

[hounddog]

Now Chris, when in doubt, call papaw. I could have saved you a lot of pain and a pair of underwear. Now I'm not saying I have done the same thing but I have seen it done and it wasn't pretty so I know what you went through.
On the other hand, if I happen to spot a pair of testicles laying around, I'll send them UPS because I know how important they are. BTW, we are casterating some young bulls this weekend, will that work!
Laura, maybe Chris requires full time supervision. You all take care and for God sake, be CAREFUL.

papaw
Jim Umbarger

[johns03272008]

That is probably the hardest I have laughed in a long time!! I had to stop reading a few times cause I was laughing so hard!!

[barryc]

By far the funniest thing I have ever read on a beagle message board!!! Absolutely hilarious Thanks for the laugh.

[Chuck Prather]

That was great! Lol! I couldnt quit laughing as i read that!

[bucks better beagles]

Great story. Only problem is, its origin is unknown. Been going around since at least 2004. See:

http://www.snopes.com/humor/follies/taser.asp

[Mike Gibeaut]

I would have never told on myself if I did that.Tears from laughing so hard are running down my face.Glad no video it would surely wind up on you tube.Glad my wife does not read this board she would want one.

[lebro]

i cant think straight for laughing. i am really glad you decided on taser instead of something more permanent.missouri truely is the show me state.

[stavemillbeagles]

funny Laura real funny!