REWARD
Posted: Fri Feb 10, 2006 5:40 pm
Don't drink liquids while reading this.(I'm warning you now.)
Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my
fancy. I bought something relly cool for my wife Toni. The occasion our
22nd wedding anniversary. Iwas looking for a little something extra for my
sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt pocket/purse sized tazer gun with a clip. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it homeI loaded two
AAA batteries into the darn thing and pushed the button thing. I was so dis
appointed. I learned however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electicity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to
AWESOME!!! But I have yet to explain to Toni that burn spot on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with my new toy, thinking
to myself that it could'nt be all that bad with only twolittle AAA batteries.
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently.(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second
but I thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. but if I was
going to give this thing to Toni to protect herself against a mugger, I did
want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So,there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in the
other.
The directions said that a one second burst would shock and disorient
your assailant; a two second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; and a three second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long
and less than 3/4" in circumference; preety cute reallyand loaded with two itsy-bitsy AAA batteries thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description. But I'll do my best.
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side
as to say don't do it buddy. Reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.
I decided to give myself a one second burst just for the heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and
HOLY GUACAMOLE! DANG!!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, piked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Gracie standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face and undoubtedly thinking to herself, do it
again do it again!
Note: If you ever feel cmpelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one word of caution, there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself. Your not going to let go of that thing untill it is dislodged from your hand by the violent thrashing about on the floor.
SON-OF-A-BUCK that hurt! A minute or so later. I can't be sure as time was a relative thing at this point. I collected my wits (what little I had left)
sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like had been shot up with novocain, and my bottom lip felt like it weighed 88 lbs.I'm pretty sure.
By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I'm offering a REWARD!!!
Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my
fancy. I bought something relly cool for my wife Toni. The occasion our
22nd wedding anniversary. Iwas looking for a little something extra for my
sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt pocket/purse sized tazer gun with a clip. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it homeI loaded two
AAA batteries into the darn thing and pushed the button thing. I was so dis
appointed. I learned however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electicity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to
AWESOME!!! But I have yet to explain to Toni that burn spot on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with my new toy, thinking
to myself that it could'nt be all that bad with only twolittle AAA batteries.
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently.(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second
but I thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. but if I was
going to give this thing to Toni to protect herself against a mugger, I did
want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So,there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in the
other.
The directions said that a one second burst would shock and disorient
your assailant; a two second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; and a three second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long
and less than 3/4" in circumference; preety cute reallyand loaded with two itsy-bitsy AAA batteries thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description. But I'll do my best.
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side
as to say don't do it buddy. Reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.
I decided to give myself a one second burst just for the heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and
HOLY GUACAMOLE! DANG!!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, piked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Gracie standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face and undoubtedly thinking to herself, do it
again do it again!
Note: If you ever feel cmpelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one word of caution, there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself. Your not going to let go of that thing untill it is dislodged from your hand by the violent thrashing about on the floor.
SON-OF-A-BUCK that hurt! A minute or so later. I can't be sure as time was a relative thing at this point. I collected my wits (what little I had left)
sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like had been shot up with novocain, and my bottom lip felt like it weighed 88 lbs.I'm pretty sure.
By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I'm offering a REWARD!!!
